Falling in love is a great feeling. Love makes you think of and care for this special someone more than you do yourself. Love changes the definition of a lot of things including the word ‘stranger’. Who is a stranger? A stranger is someone you do not know well enough to call a friend or acquaintance.
Knowing someone means you can deduce the person’s reaction to different circumstances. If you have never seen your spouse angry, you cannot predict the reaction of your spouse in every circumstance. Hence, your spouse is a stranger until you have seen him/her angry.
Some people believe it is better to keep things safe and not rock the boat of the relationship too vigorously with conflicts. But, I am of the opinion that conflict is one of the best things that could ever happen in your relationship. I believe it is better to rock the boat of the relationship as much as it needs to be shaken, so you do not get subjected to damage control all the days of your marriage life.
Just as it takes two to love, it also takes two to fight. You don’t want to be married to someone you cannot hold an argument with or someone who is unwilling to trash out an issue with you. I am not referring to exchanging blows. What I mean is you should not be married to someone whom you are unable to get angry with.
Holding a grudge is unavoidable if you cannot conveniently express your dislike when your spouse has erred even if expressing yourself leads to an argument. A conflict in relationships helps you to know your spouse and how to make your spouse happier. Conflicts help you to develop the skills to love your spouse the way he/she wants to be loved.
One of the benefits of marriage is having two separate views from the parties in the marriage that can be reconciled to arrive at a more profitable conclusion. Ironically, contradictory opinion is the cause of most conflicts. Hence, to maximize conflicts in relationships, both parties must be willing to find a common ground by entertaining change.
The whole advantage of conflicts in a relationship will be lost when the fight degenerates to that of two opponents as against two people in love. There is no prize attached to having an upper hand when two people in love fight. Also, being ashamed or proud to be the first person to reconcile a conflict has no reward. Couples should see the conflict in relationship as an opportunity to develop a pattern for reconciliation and not an avenue to communicate who is the boss.
In developing a model for reconciliation discuss with your spouse after every conflict what you learned and how you could have handled things better. Learn how to communicate when you are both angry without attacking each other’s emotions or personality with words. Know when to keep quiet and when not to throw in a joke. Know when to seek counsel and when not to involve others.
Don’t categorize your reactions to conflicts resulting from issues like lateness to a date and issues relating to cheating as the same. I must clarify that some conflicts should never be resolved. It should be an escape route from the relationship. If the issue that led to the conflict is beyond your imagination and something you never wish to see happen again, you may need to consider other options beyond reconciliation.
There are no questions about how perfect someone you have never lived with is, but you must aspire to know your spouse beyond the perfect personality illusion. Your spouse’s attitude when angry says a lot about the person, so it is important that you hope to meet the angry version of your spouse before you say I do.